NO FORGIVENESS, NO LOVE

Someone who cannot forgive, by default cannot love.

I find myself recalling the law of magnetism in physics subject during my time in secondary school even in my engineering courses. If the piece of magnet cannot attract the opposite side (unlike poles) of the other magnet (S&N), automatically it cannot repel the similar side (like poles) of the other magnet (S&S/ N&N). You know what? Someone who cannot forgive, by default cannot love.  I have purposely started with forgiveness because it is simple to say ‘I will love you in any situation’ but not ‘I will forgive you for any mistake’

My dear brothers and sisters, it’s better we understand this day time truth; in forgiveness there is love and in love there is forgiveness. They work together with similar properties but different names just like improper subsets. In simple logic, someone who can find it difficult to forgive, yet he/she says that he/she can love you, automatically it’s not true.

In love there if fear of God; that’s avoiding to cause pains to someone else, and when happens accidentally, by default it will be very easy to ask for forgiveness. Love and forgiveness cannot be separated. “We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. ” ― Ellen Goodman

Carol Davis (counsellor) says; Real love is total commitment with no separate parts or degrees and filled with harmony and joy. Hopefully, that feeling is reciprocated by someone.  Love cannot be taught. It is a natural expression coming from the heart or emotional makeup of the individual.   It is a gateway to connection with another human being, and if a person is a Christian, to God.

Forgiveness is a part of love. If a person is unforgiving, this is a block to love. The ultimate test of love is forgiveness. 

 When someone that a person loves hurts him, the response is the true record of that love; if there is true love here, the person will not hold a grudge (a strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person who you feel has treated you badly, which often lasts for a long time ) become resentful, or fill the heart with bitterness.  None of these responses connect with true love.  It blocks that emotion.  So what should the response be: to forgive.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt. True forgiveness is doing the complete opposite of what the emotions tell a person to do.  'I will forgive you if…….' is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness to be real must be unconditional. It does not mean that the hurt that has been experienced is minimized.  Forgiveness cannot be earned, bought, or bargained.  It has to be absolute.

There are two hurtful situations that occur between people who love each other: a wound and a wrong. The wound does not require forgiveness.  It was unintentional and accidental.  Time and patience will take care of this situation.

The other situation though is a different story.  A wrong is when a person knows that what he is doing will hurt the other person and does it anyway. It is a moral dilemma that the person faces and fails. To wrong someone that a person loves requires forgiveness. Forgiveness is instant; but trust must be built over a long period of time. Forgiveness takes care of the damage done. It lets the person off the hook.  However, the true test of love will be how the person works to rebuild that loving relationship. 

Forgiveness may be the single most difficult act of love. It is the difference between forgetting and letting go. The brain never lets the person forget, but the heart will give forgiveness. Love and forgiveness walk hand in hand in a relationship.

‘If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive’-Mother Teresa

It’s where now Michael Ugulini (Educator) adds; Forgiveness is a manifestation of love. People who truly love each other, whether in a marital relationship, as friends, or as family members, as examples, will forgive one another because of their outgoing concern for each other. Forgiveness is one way of expressing love and commitment to another human being. Even though we may be upset, hurt, wronged, and/or angry, love provides us the capacity for forgiveness.

When we love someone, even though it may be difficult sometimes, we ultimately desire to forgive them for any perceived wrongs against us. If we do not ultimately wish to forgive someone we say we love, then we're fooling ourselves, and them, as we do not truly love them.

Not extending forgiveness is putting ourselves first, well ahead of the person we claim to love. We are seeking our own desires and are not taking into account theirs. We are acting selfish and are not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt - or another chance. If we love them, we will forgive them and try to set the relationship back on the right track.

Words like ‘I hate him/her, I will never forgive him/her’ are poisons which is going to kill yourself because they will lead to love malnutrition.  It is better you train your mind and soul to forgive, because it will automatically be a fertilizer to sustain your love to others. “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” ― Nelson Mandela

NOTE: To forgive someone doesn’t need him/her (who hurt you) to repeat explaining what he has done to you. The strong soul forgives even before being asked to do so. ‘If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive’-Mother Teresa

Eng Nguki Herman. M

Email: ngukiherman@ymail.com

Instagram: @eng.ngukiwamalekela

Twitter: @engngukiherman

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MBABE WA MBABE WANGU ALIPONIZUSHIA UONGO

Tuwafundishe watoto kusamehe, lakini tusiwape hofu.

Katika maisha ya ukuaji kuna vitu sio rahisi sana kuvisahau hata kama havina tija sana. Moja ya vitu ambayo nilikuwa naogopa sana ni kupigana. Sasa kuna jamaa mmoja wakati niko shule ya msingi alikuwa hakai mbali sana na nyumbani alifanikiwa kufahamu kuwa nina huo woga. Na kwa sababu hata familia yao ilikuwa juu kimaisha alikuwa na ujasiri wa ziada, na kama hiyo haitoshi alikuwa kanizidi madarasa kama matatu hivi (tulikuwa tunasoma shule moja ya msingi huko Idodi-Kitanewa) na umri kanizidi.

Lakini hivi vyote sio kisingizio kwa maana mbinu za kupigana zipo nyingi tu hata kama mtu kakuzidi nguvu, kwani kwenye Biblia Daudi alifanyeje kumpiga Goliath? Ndivyo ilivyo  ndugu yangu. Sasa huyu jamaa alikuwa akijisikia tu ananipiga, dah, ukizingatia hali yetu ya maisha ya nyumbani, nikawa najiona dhaifu sana kumfanya chochote huyu jamaa, tena mimi nilikuwa naishi na bibi yangu tu nyumbani.

Basi kila nikipigwa na yule jamaa, nikawa naenda kusema kwa bibi ili aliruhusu namimi nimgoliatishe huyu jamaa ambaye alitumia udhaifu wangu kunigeuza mimi ngoma yake ya mazoezi. Ajabu bibi alikuwa ananizuia na anaishia tu kusema ‘wewe muache tu , nitaenda kuwaambia wazazi wake wamuonye asirudie hiyo tabia’. Nikawa nayaelewa yale maneno, japo huyu jamaa aliendelea na tabia yake ya kunipiga akijisikia hasa mkienda kucheza mpira maeneo ya wazi au tukienda mtoni huko kuogelea kipindi cha maji mengi na kuchoma viazi ( vimbwegea).

Mnyonge ukibahatika kupokonyoka hapo, ni kutimua mbio hadi mafichoni huko.

Kiukweli pamoja na kwamba huyu jamaa alikuwa amenizidi mabavu kwa mfumo fulani, lakini laiti bibi angeniruhusu tu nijitutumue nitakavyoweza, hakika ningetafuta cha kufanya kama alivyofanya mwenzangu Daudi wa kwenye Biblia, hata kutumia mawe tu au manati (Kwa maana nilikuwa nayo na kokoto za kutosha muda wote). Ile hali ilikuwa inanichefua sana na kujikuta wakati fulani nawaka hasira na kuona kama bibi pia anaiogopa ile familia kwa maana mama yake mdogo yule jamaa ndio alikuwa balozi wa  mtaa. Dah, lakini kulikuwa na fundisho kubwa sana kwa bibi kunizuia kumrudi yule jamaa, maana alikuwa ananiambia sentensi moja tu ya kihehe; ‘umtesa neke twangule nongwa’, akimaanisha utamuumiza  na mwisho wa siku tutazua kesi.

Yule mbabe wangu alikuwa na kaka yake, ambaye kiukweli alikuwa mpole sana, japo alionekana na nguvu sana lakini hakuwa mgomvi kabisaa. Na wakati fulani betri zikigeukiana kwa huyu mbabe wangu, yule kaka yake alikuwa anananisaidia angalau nipate upenyo wa kufanya mazoezi ya kukimbia hadi nyumbani. Aisee, usiombe kuishi maisha ya unyonge na kujiona huwezi kufanya kitu. Kama ni mtoto ni afadhari sana uwe na akili za darasani, angalau unakuwa na watu wa kukuogopa kwenye kipengere hicho, hasa wale ambao ikitolewa kazi wanakuja uwashushie vitu, wenyewe wanasema ‘unawasovia’ hata kama hakuna hesabu humo. Hawa watakutetea siku ukibanwa na waonezi wako, na wakati mwingine unawashitakia ili wakawapige mkwala waonezi wako.

ZAMU YA MBABE KUKUMBANA NA DHAHAMA

Siku moja ilikuwa sikukuu, kama sijasahau sana ilikuwa kati ya Pasaka au Krismasi. Sasa pale kwao wakaweka mziki na watoto tukawa tunaserebuka pale. Nilikuwa nacheza kwa tahadhari sana maana nipo nyumbani kwa mbabe wangu, na likitokea la kutokea yule jamaa atakuja tu hata kunikanyaga kama kifaranga, wahehe tunaita kiswiya.

Ilikuwa siku ya kufurahi sana kucheza mziki,lakini kuna jamaa alikuwa ananinyima amani.

Wakati mambo yanaendelea ikatokea ugomvi kati ya yule mbabe wangu na kaka yake. Weee nikajivuta pembeni kabisa mnyonge mimi. Katika purukushani yule mkubwa akamtwanga kichwa cha mdomoni yule mbabe wangu na kufanikiwa kumng’oa jino la mbele, kisha nayeye kuumia kwenye paji la uso kwa kuchimbwa na jino. Dah, kwakuwa yule mbabe wangu ana asili ya ukorofi, watu waliokuwepo walimuacha pembeni hapo akilia na kuugulia maumivu, kisha wakachemsha maji haraka na kuanza kumkanda-kanda huyu kaka mtu aliyeumia paji la uso.

Kwakweli nilikuwa namuonea huruma pia yule kaka mtu, na sikumuonea huruma kabisa yule mbabe wangu ambaye alijipatia mwanya wa lazima siku ile baada ya kung’oka jino kwa kupigwa kichwa na kaka yake. Ni kwasababu niliwaza kuwa huenda huku kuumia kutampa kipindi cha mpito cha kuugulia maumivu hivyo kutopata muda wa kuninyanyasa au kukwaruzana naye. Maisha yaliendelea ambapo baada  ya muda fulani kupita yule jamaa aliendelea tu na ukorofi wake na bado bibi aliendelea kunisisitiza nimsamehe tu na kuna wakati kweli bibi alikwenda kuwaambia wazazi wake juu ya tabia ya kijana wao ya kuninyanyasa, ambapo wazazi wake walimkemea na kumuonya aache hiyo tabia. Yule kaka yake nilimuamini sana na kuona ni mtetezi wangu.

MBABE WA MBABE WANGU AKAJA KUZUA YAKE

Maisha yaliendelea na walimaliza shule wale ndugu wawili kwakuwa walikuwa darasa moja, kisha yule mkubwa kufanikiwa kujiunga na sekondari.

Tarehe 15/06/2005 ilikuwa siku ya gulio (mnada) kule kijijini kwetu. Hiyo siku nilikuwa na hela yangu elfu kumi (10,000/=). Ilikuwa ni pesa yangu kabisa kutokana na kazi fulani niliyofanya, ambapo nilitumia elfu moja kununua kitu fulani na ikabaki eflu tisa. Sasa katika uhifadhi wa ile elfu tisa na utoto kuchangia, ile hela iliyobaki waliniibia yote. Nililia sana, kwa maana ile hela ilikuwa kubwa sana kwangu. Basi nikawasimulia baadhi ya rafiki zangu juu ya ule mkasa nilioupata. Sasa yule kaka wa mbabe wangu ambaye nilikuwa namuamini sana nayeye alipata hizi habari kuwa nimeibiwa hela elfu tisa.

Katika hali ya kustaajabu na isiyo ya kawaida huyu jamaa niliyemuamini sana baada ya kupata zile taarifa alikwenda kwa wazazi wangu na kuongea uongo wa kiwango cha lami na unaofanana na uuaji kabisa. Alisema, nanukuu: ‘Herman alikuwa na hela leo na amechezea kamali za mnadani. Mimi nilikuwa naye wakati anaenda kucheza. Nilimkatalia sana kuwa hao watakutapeli hao, yeye akawa mbishi, nikamvuta mkono tuondoke pale, lakini yeye aling’aang’ania kucheza hadi hela ikaisha. Nyie subirieni tu atakuja huku analia hapa’

Duh, aisee, ukweli ni kwamba ile siku hatukuonana kabisa yule jamaa hata ile kawaida tu kusalimiana, lakini alikwenda kuupika uongo huo ambao kiukweli, dah inauma sana. Muda ukawadia wa mimi kurudi nyumbani, kama alivyosema yule jamaa, nilirudi navuja chozi na hela sina. Mama alikaa kimya ili anisikilize kwanza nini kimenikuta huko. Nikamuelekeza kuwa nimeibiwa na sijuwi nini kimetokea, mama akanipa pole, lakini akasema ‘mbona fulani kasema umecheza kamali na alikuzuia lakini wewe ukawa mbishi?’ Mh, jamani, mbona mimi hata sijaonana naye leo? Akanieleza maelezo yote aliyosema yule jamaa, kuna kitu kilinikaba shingoni kwa hasira kwa maana nilijikuta najiuliza, :

• Alikuwa analenga nini kuongea uongo huu kwa wazazi wangu?
• Je hii hela ingekuwa sio yangu na nimetumwa na wazazi kununua kitu fulani kwaajili ya familia angeniweka katika mazingira gani?
• Je hii hela ingekuwa ya mtu hata asiye ndugu yangu labda aliniagiza nikamnunulie kitu fulani huko gulioni na akapelekewa uongo huu uliosukwa kwa ustadi mkubwa, angejisikiaje?

 

Nilijiuliza mengi bila kupata majibu

Nafsi yangu ilichafuka sana ghafla na nilijikuta kwa mara ya kwanza namchukia sana kwa maana alifanya jambo ambalo sikutegemea. Hasira zilinizidi na kujikuta nalia sana na wakati huo mama alinituliza na kuniambia nimsamehe tu, na nijifunze kuelewa kuwa wapo watu wa aina hiyo na nimapungufu yao, japo mtu unayewasikiliza kama ukichukua mamuzi ya haraka, unaweza kusababisha madhara makubwa kwa taarifa za uongo na badaye kujikuta unajutia maisha yako yote. Nikajikuta hata msaada wake kipindi ambacho nilikuwa naonewa na mdogo wake nausahau kabisa, kwa maana kafanya jambo la kuogofya kwa mdomo wake.

Sijawahi kumuuliza hata siku moja, na tangu ile siku tumeonana kama mara mbili au tatu pekee hasa baada ya yeye kuwa shule ya bweni na mimi kuhamia Iringa mjini  mwezi wa nane 2005,na kuanza sekondari 2006. Tangu kipindi hicho nilikaa kwa muda na baadaye kuwasamehe wote wawili japo kipindi cha nyuma bado kuna roho ilikuwa inanituma nimtafute ili aniambie nini kilimtuma kuupika uongo ule. Wote kwa sasa wanaishi maeneo tofauti tofauti na familia zao.

HITIMISHO

Ndugu zangu, hakuna mtu mkamilifu hapa duniani, sote ni dhaifu. Kitu cha msingi ni kutouendekeza huo udhaifu wako (kilema cha dhambi) ambao unaweza kuwa na madhara makubwa sana kwako binafsi, familia au watu wanaokuzunguka. Mfano ni mimi mtu niliyemuamini kupita kiasi akaja kudhihirisha udhaifu wake kwa namna tofauti, lakini hii haiondoi ukweli kuwa kuna mambo mazuri aliyofanya ikiwemo kunitetea kipindi cha nyuma. Hata yule mbabe wangu, lazima tu kuna eneo fulani anafanya vizuri hata kama mimi sikuona binafsi, huenda ni kwa mwingine. Kitu cha msingi ni kusaidiana, kurekebishana, na wewe unayeonywa kubali kubadilika kwa maana hujuwi lini utakutna na lipi. EPUKA UONGO NA UGOMVI KWA MAANA UNAWEZA KUSABABISHA KIFO CHA MWILI AU NAFSI KATIKA MAZINGIRA MADOGO SANA.

Naitwa Nguki, sijawahi kumpiga mtu zaidi ya mimi kupigwa mara kadhaa wakati niko shule ya msingi. Baada ya hapo (kuanzia sekodari) kwakweli ni mkwara tu wa maneno umenisaidia kuepuka mapigano , kutotilia maanane maneno chonganishi yenye uchochezi wa kupigana pia kuomba msamaha hata kama sijakosa mimi ili yaishe na kuepusha mapigano. Kiufupi sipendi hata kuona tu watu wanapigana na sina huo mpango kwakweli.

Eng Nguki Herman. M

Email: ngukiherman@ymail.com

Instagram: @eng.ngukiwamalekela

Twitter: @engngukiherman

Unaweza kusoma mada mbalimbali kwa kuchagua mwaka/mwezi kwenye eneo la chini (footer block) ambapo baada ya kusoma bofya neno older post na zitakuja nyingine na uendelee kwa mfumo huo kupata mada za awali ambazo hukubahatika kuzisoma.Au kama hauoni hilo neno bofya kwanza 'view the web version' ndipo utakuja mfumo utakaokuonesha neno older post kwa chini. Kwa elimu na ujuzi kuhusu maji, kilimo, udongo na mazingira tembelea blog: www.wadcotanzania.blogspot.com