NO FORGIVENESS, NO LOVE

Someone who cannot forgive, by default cannot love.

I find myself recalling the law of magnetism in physics subject during my time in secondary school even in my engineering courses. If the piece of magnet cannot attract the opposite side (unlike poles) of the other magnet (S&N), automatically it cannot repel the similar side (like poles) of the other magnet (S&S/ N&N). You know what? Someone who cannot forgive, by default cannot love.  I have purposely started with forgiveness because it is simple to say ‘I will love you in any situation’ but not ‘I will forgive you for any mistake’

My dear brothers and sisters, it’s better we understand this day time truth; in forgiveness there is love and in love there is forgiveness. They work together with similar properties but different names just like improper subsets. In simple logic, someone who can find it difficult to forgive, yet he/she says that he/she can love you, automatically it’s not true.

In love there if fear of God; that’s avoiding to cause pains to someone else, and when happens accidentally, by default it will be very easy to ask for forgiveness. Love and forgiveness cannot be separated. “We are told that people stay in love because of chemistry, or because they remain intrigued with each other, because of many kindnesses, because of luck. But part of it has got to be forgiveness and gratefulness. ” ― Ellen Goodman

Carol Davis (counsellor) says; Real love is total commitment with no separate parts or degrees and filled with harmony and joy. Hopefully, that feeling is reciprocated by someone.  Love cannot be taught. It is a natural expression coming from the heart or emotional makeup of the individual.   It is a gateway to connection with another human being, and if a person is a Christian, to God.

Forgiveness is a part of love. If a person is unforgiving, this is a block to love. The ultimate test of love is forgiveness. 

 When someone that a person loves hurts him, the response is the true record of that love; if there is true love here, the person will not hold a grudge (a strong feeling of anger and dislike for a person who you feel has treated you badly, which often lasts for a long time ) become resentful, or fill the heart with bitterness.  None of these responses connect with true love.  It blocks that emotion.  So what should the response be: to forgive.

The Oxford English Dictionary defines forgiveness as to grant free pardon and to give up all claim on account of an offense or debt. True forgiveness is doing the complete opposite of what the emotions tell a person to do.  'I will forgive you if…….' is not forgiveness.

Forgiveness to be real must be unconditional. It does not mean that the hurt that has been experienced is minimized.  Forgiveness cannot be earned, bought, or bargained.  It has to be absolute.

There are two hurtful situations that occur between people who love each other: a wound and a wrong. The wound does not require forgiveness.  It was unintentional and accidental.  Time and patience will take care of this situation.

The other situation though is a different story.  A wrong is when a person knows that what he is doing will hurt the other person and does it anyway. It is a moral dilemma that the person faces and fails. To wrong someone that a person loves requires forgiveness. Forgiveness is instant; but trust must be built over a long period of time. Forgiveness takes care of the damage done. It lets the person off the hook.  However, the true test of love will be how the person works to rebuild that loving relationship. 

Forgiveness may be the single most difficult act of love. It is the difference between forgetting and letting go. The brain never lets the person forget, but the heart will give forgiveness. Love and forgiveness walk hand in hand in a relationship.

‘If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive’-Mother Teresa

It’s where now Michael Ugulini (Educator) adds; Forgiveness is a manifestation of love. People who truly love each other, whether in a marital relationship, as friends, or as family members, as examples, will forgive one another because of their outgoing concern for each other. Forgiveness is one way of expressing love and commitment to another human being. Even though we may be upset, hurt, wronged, and/or angry, love provides us the capacity for forgiveness.

When we love someone, even though it may be difficult sometimes, we ultimately desire to forgive them for any perceived wrongs against us. If we do not ultimately wish to forgive someone we say we love, then we're fooling ourselves, and them, as we do not truly love them.

Not extending forgiveness is putting ourselves first, well ahead of the person we claim to love. We are seeking our own desires and are not taking into account theirs. We are acting selfish and are not willing to give them the benefit of the doubt - or another chance. If we love them, we will forgive them and try to set the relationship back on the right track.

Words like ‘I hate him/her, I will never forgive him/her’ are poisons which is going to kill yourself because they will lead to love malnutrition.  It is better you train your mind and soul to forgive, because it will automatically be a fertilizer to sustain your love to others. “Resentment is like drinking poison and then hoping it will kill your enemies.” ― Nelson Mandela

NOTE: To forgive someone doesn’t need him/her (who hurt you) to repeat explaining what he has done to you. The strong soul forgives even before being asked to do so. ‘If we really want to love we must learn how to forgive’-Mother Teresa

Eng Herman Nguki.M

Email: ngukiherman@ymail.com

Phone #: +255 763/ 679 -639 101

Instagram : eng.ngukiwamalekela

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